I don’t know how to write what’s on my mind. I need to get it out, but I can’t find the words or proper train of thought. So let’s just get formulaic and see where it takes me.
The topic: my feelings for three different women. The problem: I can’t have any of them. The solution: who the hell knows?
This has been going on in some form for nine months. One-by-one they’ve entered my life. In all three cases, their entry into my atmosphere has been unexpected for one reason or another. One-by-one I’ve developed feelings for them. In one case, full blown love. In another case, strong feelings nurtured by an intial curiosity and innocence. And in the other, a nightly haunting of my dreams and sleep that follows me through the day.
I was in love this last year. That’s weird to say. I thought she was too. Maybe she was. Who knows? I thought the stars were aligning. Turns out it was just a bright flash before burn out. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. In some ways I’m mad. In an other way I saw it coming. She doesn’t have the courage to grab what she wants out of life. I don’t want that mindset in my life. And most disturbingly, I mostly don’t feel anything, which makes me really worry about my ability to understand what love is, especially within myself. Either way, I’m not done processing this yet, so I’m going to put this epilogue on hold for now.
Sometimes you get curious about life and the different ways people go about living it. This curiosity led me to a completely innocent conversation that has led me to a clear dead end. And I think that’s ok. I enjoy spending time with her. She is helping me process through things that have long been needed to be processed. I can absolutely see a future with her, but it’s just not going to be. In the meantime though, I’m learning a lot about different forms of love, including how people express love, take love, and share love. And I’m getting to understand something I’ve always wondered about myself and my own capabilities when it comes to love. In the end, I’ll hopefully have gained a lifelong friend at the very least. I miss you already and you’re still here. What an odd concept to wrap your head around.
And then there’s the third. I should just run. Gather all my logic, experience, scars, and precious time and just run. But this one has my feet nailed to the ground. I can’t take one step away, even if I really tried. And the whole time I watched as she slowly and unknowingly drove each nail through the flesh of my feet. How can you be 30,000ft off the ground and nailed to it at the same time? My nights haven’t been mine for a while now. I climb into bed each night knowing she awaits. But when I lay down, she’s not there. Hours later she sneaks into my room and into my bed without a sound. I never notice until I notice, and then it’s too late. We dance together the rest of the night until I wake up in the morning. Then I spend the rest of my day dancing around it, not understanding it or what to do about it. I have no idea how this plays out. I may not even have a say when it’s all said and done.
Brown Bird was a band that in it’s finality was a duo between a man and wife. They made beautiful music. Music that grabs you and punches you right in the solar plexus. They loved each other deeply. It’s clear from their music. He was diagnosed with leukemia in early 2013 and was dead a year later. She went on to produce a final album the two wrote together after his diagnosis. Their love will live on in her for sure, but also in their music. I think there’s a metaphor I’m trying to make here, but it alludes me. Maybe I’m just happy they got a chance to have each other, while also so sad at the same time that they were separated from each other far too early, before they got a chance to play it all out to a more satisfying finale. I don’t know.