An old habit of mine is when I’m sad or deep in thought I listen to the same song over and over. I’m sure many people do it. I’ve done it for years.

This morning I found out about the passing of Scott Hutchinson, the lead singer of ‘Frightened Rabbit’. He apparently took his own life; the result of a lifetime of struggle with mental illness.

The news has caught me completely off guard. It’s completely heartbreaking anytime someone has reached a point where they feel their only comfort is suicide. For me, this news is especially sad because of the significance of Scott’s music to my own life.

I went through a brutally bad breakup in 2014. The pain of it still lingers in some ways, but back then, it was debilitating. I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried.

One day, more than 4 months after the breakup, I was just finishing folding some laundry and listening to music in my living room, when the song ‘Poke’ by Frightened Rabbit started playing on my stereo. I didn’t think much about it for the first few lines, but as I got up to take my clothes to my bedroom, the world just stopped.

The basket and I made it to the kitchen, when I just froze and broke down again. The first time in weeks. I cried so hard, but this time was different. This was an angry, bottomless cry. It came from somewhere I didn’t know existed and had a life of its own.

I threw the basket of clothes down the hall. I punched the pantry door. I punched the cupboards. And then I just let the sadness pour out for the entirety of the song. Each lyric brought with it a very personal meaning and a series of tears .

After the song, I called my parents, still crying. And the words that came out of my mom’s mouth will live with me forever and still tug at me today. “Jacob, that may have been the worst day of your life, but it was also the best day.”.

Those words still echo in my head from time to time because of how correct she was. After hearing them I turned my thinking around and just busted my ass to finish my dissertation and found an incredible job, career, and passion that I still have today. In other words, that moment changed my life, in part because I had someone to talk to.

I’m so saddened that Scott couldn’t find that comfort in his life and experience a similar turn around. If anyone knows anyone who might be showing the signs of severe mental illness, reach out to them. Let them know at least one person is willing to listen and to ease the load off their shoulders, even if it’s just a few ounces. That might make all the difference. It could jump start a new beginning.

RIP Scott Hutchinson

 

‘Life is cruel and it’s clumsy save its very best moments’

–Chris Pureka

One thought on “Cruel and Clumsy

  1. I am challenged with mental depression ..its true ..I found out there are actually many who are in our family …and it is on the rise in society …I worried to confess my illness ..because of the fear of rejection. ..and the taboo you can get from family and society to tag you as weak….its a illness that I’ve struggled with probably my whole life ..but now I am submissive finally in my late 50tys to do more about it to help myself when I am emotionally under attack .Yes I call them attacks ..because it is not welcoming to endure depression…a few things I have learned that helps toils my medicine ..counseling and …tell ….I tell people I need them that I am truthfully emotionally challenged with depression …and why …and everyone I have told ..the ones who really care and wouldn’t reject or abandon me and do love me …they stick by me …the other thing that really ..really …really helps me ..is to be true to myself and others and ask for God to fortify every relationship with His love …because mine is mixed up most the time …that way ..I get outside of myself and I give what I want to be given to me …and Ill be darn if it doesn’t come full circle back around …I also found out I was extremely deficient on vitamin D 3..actually I was negative 30 …my doctor put me on 50000 units a week …I was over the counter taking 2000 a week ..but want absorbing it …that in itself can contribute to depression …water ..always drink lots of water…and call me anytime or visit …I am someone who always loves you and would never reject you …you happen to be loved by many …I know this is a lot of information….but if it helps anyone ..then I am doing something for someone who might be saved and that’s what were all here for..to love and heal …I love you ..your auntie…oh and I am feeling tons better 😀 ❤

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